Is there any value in Your Life for Resentment?
It isn’t that I’ve never embraced resentment in my life; it’s just that it’s nearly never provided any value to me and in almost every instance has brought harm to my life that I would have preferred to avoid. Weird isn’t it, that I’ve waited until now to look in the mirror and really think about how hurtful resentment has been to my pursuit of joy and happiness. Turns out, resentment is the enemy of the way I want to live life. As I write this, I’ve begun a quest to remove resentment from both my heart and my mind forever. In an effort to help you do the same, I’d like to share the “why” behind the thought process I’ve embraced.
Resentment is defined as the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult. Reading this definition piqued my curiosity which led to some valuable research. I discovered that we all are willing to embrace resentment because, in the moment, it feels justified. It’s when we justify resentment that it does the most damage to our life.
It’s been said that holding resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. That statement captures something very real. Resentment tends to live in YOU, not in the person who wronged you. It consumes your mental and emotional energy. It also colors how you see the present which then can turn into a personal kind of identity of yourself, the person who was wronged, which ultimately leads to a diminishing state of mind and a simply horrible place to exist. Additionally, the resentment you’re holding tends to be self-reinforcing. In other words, the more you rehearse the grievance, the more vivid and righteous it feels, which makes it harder to release.
From a neurological standpoint, chronic resentment keeps our personal stress response activated which has real physiological costs. When you allow resentment to enter your mind, it triggers your body keeps a remarkably accurate ledger of what’s going on creating a stress response connection. At the same time, resentment activates the same fight-or-flight response as an immediate threat. The most troubling part is that while an immediate threat resolves; resentment doesn’t, which leads to a low-grade but persistent stress response. A persistent stress response caused by resentment is where most of the downstream damage to our total being originates.
While I’ve covered the negative side of resentment, could there be any positive value for our life? Maybe. You see, resentment often marks a genuine violation of trust, fairness, or dignity. In that sense, resentment could be utilized as a useful diagnostic process pointing to something that matters deeply to you, a line that was crossed, or a situation that may need addressing. It may be a useful indicator when a situation or relationship turns toxic. This is where temporary resentment allows you to consider what it’s telling you, allowing for analysis of a positive path forward before the permanent suppression of it. Sometimes, temporary resentment provides wisdom that can be utilized in your future when similar situations occur. This approach ONLY works if you’re able to immediately release the resentment once it’s served its purpose.
When considering the pros and cons of resentment, it appears that the key distinction is between “resentment as information” and “resentment as residence.” Visiting the feeling long enough to understand what it’s pointing to, then deciding what to do about it whether it’s confronting it, grieving, utilizing forgiveness, or just moving on is healthy. It’s when you intentionally choose to live with resentment, nursing it and rehearsing it over and over in your mind to the point it takes up permanent residence….well, that’s when it becomes corrosive to your mental and physical health. Like I wrote earlier, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Never, never, never let resentment reside inside you. It serves NO VALUE to your life as a resident.
Is there an antidote for resentment that we can give ourselves whenever it enters our thoughts? There is. It’s forgiveness. But I worry you may misuse the meaning of the word. REAL FORGIVENESS isn’t excusing the behavior or pretending it didn’t happen, it’s releasing your own grip on the grievance for YOUR sake, not theirs. Real forgiveness is less of a gift to the offender and more of a reclaiming of your own attention and energy. This is such a powerful thought process in the pursuit of a joy-filled purposeful life. That’s why I’m hoping that you’ll embrace this thought process.
I know there’s resentment that every one of us has been holding inside ourselves for years, even decades. Life’s too short for that. Whether in a marriage, in a friendship, at work, or with anything that has occurred in your past, resentment holds such minor temporary value that I wish I could force everyone to take the antidote for resentment whenever they’re bitten with its poison. But, alas, I can’t force anyone, I can only attempt to inspire you to take action on this yourself. You can do it right now…right this exact moment. Assess the resentment that’s taken up residence in your heart and mind, apply a dose of the REAL FORGIVENESS antidote, and see how it makes you feel. If you’ll do that, your life will instantly improve enough that you can visit ALL the other resentment you’ve been harboring and propel yourself closer to the joy and happiness you’ve always craved. Hey…I Believe In YOU! GiddyUp!